A New Leaf
Today is the last day working at the library. And somehow I find myself sad...maybe it's because I've procrastinated and have yet to find a replacement job, or maybe it's because I'm losing a part of my routine. It kinda feels like the feeling I get when I don't comb my hair cause I know its gonna be a huge hairball, when I finally do comb my hair I find myself disappointed with the huge hairball.
Disappointed, yet, knowing it's something that needs to happen.
I'm sure I could find a few more things to complain about and fill a page or two with rants and blubbering...trying to justify the hole I've gone and dug myself into.
2020. A new year. A new decade. And I'm making a few changes around here. Starting with sweeping out old dreams that no longer apply. And working on old habits that aren't helping my and my family's happiness.
I've always been a lazy person I think. I would rather sit and do nothing, rather than get up and offer assistance to my mother. She tried to make me see. She explained the hazards of being thus inclined. I refused to heed her warnings. And it wasn't until that attitude and habit leaked into my life as an adult, involving a close friend...that it finally got into my hard head that I've been a selfish person. Looking out for number one my whole life.
Yes, there are plenty of people that would say this isn't true (to my face at least) but I'm afraid I've exposed myself recently and I've realized that all my "looking out for number one" isn't actually looking out for me at all. It's rather self destructive, not only causing stress on my mother, but the effect her distress had on the whole family is disastrous.
When I say I'm a problem child...I'm not referring to sneaking out or any other such rebellious actions. I'm more referring to my foolish inclination to shun the idea of offering my help to my mother. And for that I'm ashamed.
But I think I'm in the beginnings of a breakthrough so to speak. Asking myself, how much of my effort is this really gonna take? How much time am I really going to spend washing a few dishes? How am I gonna feel after this? How is my family gonna feel after this? How can I decrease the amount of friction in the day to day journey of this family?
When it comes down to it...those who have somehow escaped the trait of being a stubborn mule all the live long day will not understand.
It has long been an immediate negative reaction when/if Mama asks me to help her with anything. I don't really know why this has always been the case...and the harder I look at it the less sense it makes.
I really was/am a brat.
Trying my new resolution out the last couple days has been weird. avoiding conflict and the urge to dig in my heels when Mama calls me to domestic labor...the backbreaking job of peeling a few darn potatoes. Alas, what am I to do? So unreasonable a task! (I hope you're picking up on my sarcasm here).
I'm embarrassed to admit to such juvenile behavior. I'm shocked by my own absurd logic.
I'm nineteen, it's high time I reevaluated my standards of behavior.
Putting others first obviously doesn't come natural to me. Getting over that and defeating my toxic family traits is no light matter. And I don't mean to imply that after this blog post I'm delusional enough to imagine myself skipping home and being an perfect angel from now on. It simply have located an issue in need of my attention...and I'm comfortable enough to share that fact with all twenty of my readers (I may have exaggerated that number a slight bit).
Maybe I'm oversharing and should be writing this in a diary...maybe...or maybe this is good for me, and writing and sharing these thoughts helps me to stick to my guns.
On another note...I'm also trying to avoid thinking about the fact that my mother reads my blog and always has some "helpful criticism" to contribute to my insecurities as a writer on this small platform.
And she probably won't appreciate that comment either. Oh well.
I shouldn't try to be funny, despite the fact that I think I'm hilarious.
I would appreciate the prayers. I am trying very hard to become a person I want to be friends with. I know perfection is unattainable, here on earth. But I will forever strive to conquer these few things I can with strength provided by the Lord, not by my own powers of will and wisdom, but by giving it all to him to work through me what is a blessing to others.
Again, not claiming to have arrived and reached the point of peak humility. But I'm a firm believer in saying and professing what you wish to produce in your own life, even if the present circumstances are less than ideal.
Thank you for reading this entire post!
God Bless, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!
Disappointed, yet, knowing it's something that needs to happen.
I'm sure I could find a few more things to complain about and fill a page or two with rants and blubbering...trying to justify the hole I've gone and dug myself into.
2020. A new year. A new decade. And I'm making a few changes around here. Starting with sweeping out old dreams that no longer apply. And working on old habits that aren't helping my and my family's happiness.
I've always been a lazy person I think. I would rather sit and do nothing, rather than get up and offer assistance to my mother. She tried to make me see. She explained the hazards of being thus inclined. I refused to heed her warnings. And it wasn't until that attitude and habit leaked into my life as an adult, involving a close friend...that it finally got into my hard head that I've been a selfish person. Looking out for number one my whole life.
Yes, there are plenty of people that would say this isn't true (to my face at least) but I'm afraid I've exposed myself recently and I've realized that all my "looking out for number one" isn't actually looking out for me at all. It's rather self destructive, not only causing stress on my mother, but the effect her distress had on the whole family is disastrous.
When I say I'm a problem child...I'm not referring to sneaking out or any other such rebellious actions. I'm more referring to my foolish inclination to shun the idea of offering my help to my mother. And for that I'm ashamed.
But I think I'm in the beginnings of a breakthrough so to speak. Asking myself, how much of my effort is this really gonna take? How much time am I really going to spend washing a few dishes? How am I gonna feel after this? How is my family gonna feel after this? How can I decrease the amount of friction in the day to day journey of this family?
When it comes down to it...those who have somehow escaped the trait of being a stubborn mule all the live long day will not understand.
It has long been an immediate negative reaction when/if Mama asks me to help her with anything. I don't really know why this has always been the case...and the harder I look at it the less sense it makes.
I really was/am a brat.
Trying my new resolution out the last couple days has been weird. avoiding conflict and the urge to dig in my heels when Mama calls me to domestic labor...the backbreaking job of peeling a few darn potatoes. Alas, what am I to do? So unreasonable a task! (I hope you're picking up on my sarcasm here).
I'm embarrassed to admit to such juvenile behavior. I'm shocked by my own absurd logic.
I'm nineteen, it's high time I reevaluated my standards of behavior.
Putting others first obviously doesn't come natural to me. Getting over that and defeating my toxic family traits is no light matter. And I don't mean to imply that after this blog post I'm delusional enough to imagine myself skipping home and being an perfect angel from now on. It simply have located an issue in need of my attention...and I'm comfortable enough to share that fact with all twenty of my readers (I may have exaggerated that number a slight bit).
Maybe I'm oversharing and should be writing this in a diary...maybe...or maybe this is good for me, and writing and sharing these thoughts helps me to stick to my guns.
On another note...I'm also trying to avoid thinking about the fact that my mother reads my blog and always has some "helpful criticism" to contribute to my insecurities as a writer on this small platform.
And she probably won't appreciate that comment either. Oh well.
I shouldn't try to be funny, despite the fact that I think I'm hilarious.
I would appreciate the prayers. I am trying very hard to become a person I want to be friends with. I know perfection is unattainable, here on earth. But I will forever strive to conquer these few things I can with strength provided by the Lord, not by my own powers of will and wisdom, but by giving it all to him to work through me what is a blessing to others.
Again, not claiming to have arrived and reached the point of peak humility. But I'm a firm believer in saying and professing what you wish to produce in your own life, even if the present circumstances are less than ideal.
Thank you for reading this entire post!
God Bless, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!
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