Firsts
This year has been full of firsts for me. First plane ride for starters, on which I didn't get a window seat, coming or going. But I still came home with plenty of stories and laughter to share with my family.
I went to Texas on November 2nd. And while I was in Texas I was asked out on a date for the very first time in my life. let me tell you girls...get those expectations DOWN!
It was bad enough that I was inexperienced and new to the dating world, let alone my sky-high unrealistic expectations...for him and myself. I expected flirty conversation and banter, NOT long unbroken silences which I suddenly had no words to fill, my brain frozen with the sudden realization that I wanted him to like me but I didn't want to scare him off.
I think that in my case at least...it's hardest to find words when you need them...it is easy however to spout nonsense all the day long when words are entirely unnecessary and shallow, it's almost like my tongue is out to sabotage my efforts to attract a decent guy.
In the end...after at least a bucket of shed tears, two wet pillow cases and a long conversation with Mama, I realized that I didn't want him to like me anymore. I wanted to go home to cold Ohio and be surrounded by people who loved me exactly as I was and didn't want more from me than I was capable of giving. I craved the safety of a hug from my best friend. And above all I wanted away from the high expectations of an over protective mama bear who was gonna do anything for her baby boy.
So I came home...with a suitcase packed full of stories and presents for my family and heaps of clothing I had spent all my money on. I even had some new hair products that a dear new friend in Texas was so kind to show me how to use, along with a few methods on taming wildly curly fuzzy hair.
It was a good feeling that swelled in my heart when I first saw the snow covering the ground around the airport. Mounds of it! dirty, pocked with holes where salt had melted it away, and the crisp air that cleared my head and sent my emotions into a frenzy...yes...I almost cried. I was home and never in my life have I been so happy to say so.
With the wave of positive emotions came the wave of hurt emotions I had left behind when I had boarded the plane two weeks earlier. Frustration over unrequited love hit me in the face like a baseball bat, and two days later I came face to face with the reason for that frustration...and I was sent spiraling down the same dark tunnel I had tried to run away from...nothing had changed, and that was just as frustrating as the initial reason of dissatisfaction. He still looked the same, and sounded the same, and showed the same confusing interest in me that he had before I left...like he liked me but didn't want to...and that hurt. Again.
Anyway...how did this turn into a sob story? I had a great time in Texas and I'm doing very well right now as well, but in the romance area of my life...I feel very wanting. And I'm sure I have made that point very clear.
I realize that due to my rather scattered and unorganized posting that I have lost a large majority of my readers...but that's okay...I'm learning to enjoy writing. And writing to a public that doesn't notice is sometimes comforting, in regard to the fact that I could write whatever nonsense I wanted and not get a outraged response.
Maybe I'll get better at writing...or maybe I'll disappear again and reappear in a couple years.
I went to Texas on November 2nd. And while I was in Texas I was asked out on a date for the very first time in my life. let me tell you girls...get those expectations DOWN!
It was bad enough that I was inexperienced and new to the dating world, let alone my sky-high unrealistic expectations...for him and myself. I expected flirty conversation and banter, NOT long unbroken silences which I suddenly had no words to fill, my brain frozen with the sudden realization that I wanted him to like me but I didn't want to scare him off.
I think that in my case at least...it's hardest to find words when you need them...it is easy however to spout nonsense all the day long when words are entirely unnecessary and shallow, it's almost like my tongue is out to sabotage my efforts to attract a decent guy.
In the end...after at least a bucket of shed tears, two wet pillow cases and a long conversation with Mama, I realized that I didn't want him to like me anymore. I wanted to go home to cold Ohio and be surrounded by people who loved me exactly as I was and didn't want more from me than I was capable of giving. I craved the safety of a hug from my best friend. And above all I wanted away from the high expectations of an over protective mama bear who was gonna do anything for her baby boy.
So I came home...with a suitcase packed full of stories and presents for my family and heaps of clothing I had spent all my money on. I even had some new hair products that a dear new friend in Texas was so kind to show me how to use, along with a few methods on taming wildly curly fuzzy hair.
It was a good feeling that swelled in my heart when I first saw the snow covering the ground around the airport. Mounds of it! dirty, pocked with holes where salt had melted it away, and the crisp air that cleared my head and sent my emotions into a frenzy...yes...I almost cried. I was home and never in my life have I been so happy to say so.
With the wave of positive emotions came the wave of hurt emotions I had left behind when I had boarded the plane two weeks earlier. Frustration over unrequited love hit me in the face like a baseball bat, and two days later I came face to face with the reason for that frustration...and I was sent spiraling down the same dark tunnel I had tried to run away from...nothing had changed, and that was just as frustrating as the initial reason of dissatisfaction. He still looked the same, and sounded the same, and showed the same confusing interest in me that he had before I left...like he liked me but didn't want to...and that hurt. Again.
Anyway...how did this turn into a sob story? I had a great time in Texas and I'm doing very well right now as well, but in the romance area of my life...I feel very wanting. And I'm sure I have made that point very clear.
I realize that due to my rather scattered and unorganized posting that I have lost a large majority of my readers...but that's okay...I'm learning to enjoy writing. And writing to a public that doesn't notice is sometimes comforting, in regard to the fact that I could write whatever nonsense I wanted and not get a outraged response.
Maybe I'll get better at writing...or maybe I'll disappear again and reappear in a couple years.
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