Unsatisfied
What do you do when the dreams you spent hours perfecting and creating never come true? And you really just become another ordinary anxiety ridden adult trying to make ends meet working a crumby job and trying to get along with the family? What do you do? Where do you turn? I had so much ambition and motivation when I was little, so many plans...heck, I was supposed to be married to a wealthy man and be shopping for everything but that of the clearance rack at JC Pennys right now. NOT parked at a desk freezing my toes off cause my boss wont let me turn the heat up a couple degrees. NOT turning into a puddle of tears because it turns out the problem with my truck is going to drain my savings account and leave me penniless during the holidays...
Okay, it's time to admit that I know full well how whiny I sound right now. I am aware of the fact that my last four posts have been rather pathetic and focused on the bad things in my life. But we've all been in that place. And right now I'm struggling to see any sort of optimism and joy. I love certain aspects of my life yes, but in the big picture I feel like a gumption-less failure with nothing to show for all the dreams and plans I had once upon a time.
I'm jealous of the people who have purpose beyond just trying to pay the bills. I envy those with the drive to pursue their dreams and invest all their energy into them. I want to feel full. Full of the love and joy. But instead I'm sitting here being entirely ungrateful for what the Lord has given me and moaning about how disappointed I am in myself.
I sit through church services on Sunday and Wednesday...trying to force out all the thoughts of work and stress and the bustle of everyday life. I try to focus in on what is being said, to absorb something of use to my tired enthusiasm, something to light a fire in my soul. But it's almost like it hits a brick wall and I can't absorb it, like my life has become too loud to just sit down and let it go for a couple minutes.
I fantasize about running away and not telling anyone where I'm going. Just disappearing somewhere and starting over...running away from the buildup of chaos. I even wrote a song to that tune. I realize how right Mama was when she said I would wish I was younger and carefree...now in the midst of this catastrophe...I see her wisdom. But I also realize that there is no taking that feeling away from a young child, no matter how much you go though and experience first hand, a child of my inclinations will always desire the unreachable..."If only I was older!" "If only I were richer!". Now I'm both older and richer and just want to have nap time again.
I also miss the safe feeling of complete trust in the fact that I would meet my prince charming and live happily ever after...as soon as I turned 18...I thought it would be like snapping your fingers...or maybe the mere length of time the existed between me and 18 was enough to make me think that that would happen. Boy was I in for it.
I'm certain the Lord does indeed have a happy marriage in store for me. And I'm almost sure it'll happen before I turn 30...but not being in control or seeing the outcome of anything is driving my crazy! I also have to come to terms with the fact that I'm in a rather unstable part of my life, and I struggle enough with being there for myself, let alone another human being with feelings of their own. I want what God wants in my life...but being happy with the not so grand outcome is a little harder to choke down. And anybody who knows me (even a little) knows that I have the patience of a hungry toddler, and therefore...am inwardly throwing a rather embarrassing temper tantrum.
Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here.
The words to that song have become a lifeline. A silent prayer and muster of strength when I feel down. Who is greater than God? Who parted the Red sea! Who closed the mouths of the hungry lions! he cares when the sparrow falls, how much more must he care for me? Made in his image, crying out for a revelation of his word!
Dear readers, I'm sorry for the constant sharing of emotions. But I feel that expressing a feeling sometimes helps to bring it to light in order for it to be viewed and handled properly.
I want to be a motivational, encouraging voice. Not another tired complainer who gains joy by bringing others down.
I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving and if I'm not back before then, a Merry Christmas.
Here's something that a dear friend and fellow blogger (check her out) sent me a couple years back and after reading it just now, I felt the need to add this to the post.
Pray that he would give everything to the LORD in prayer
Okay, it's time to admit that I know full well how whiny I sound right now. I am aware of the fact that my last four posts have been rather pathetic and focused on the bad things in my life. But we've all been in that place. And right now I'm struggling to see any sort of optimism and joy. I love certain aspects of my life yes, but in the big picture I feel like a gumption-less failure with nothing to show for all the dreams and plans I had once upon a time.
I'm jealous of the people who have purpose beyond just trying to pay the bills. I envy those with the drive to pursue their dreams and invest all their energy into them. I want to feel full. Full of the love and joy. But instead I'm sitting here being entirely ungrateful for what the Lord has given me and moaning about how disappointed I am in myself.
I sit through church services on Sunday and Wednesday...trying to force out all the thoughts of work and stress and the bustle of everyday life. I try to focus in on what is being said, to absorb something of use to my tired enthusiasm, something to light a fire in my soul. But it's almost like it hits a brick wall and I can't absorb it, like my life has become too loud to just sit down and let it go for a couple minutes.
I fantasize about running away and not telling anyone where I'm going. Just disappearing somewhere and starting over...running away from the buildup of chaos. I even wrote a song to that tune. I realize how right Mama was when she said I would wish I was younger and carefree...now in the midst of this catastrophe...I see her wisdom. But I also realize that there is no taking that feeling away from a young child, no matter how much you go though and experience first hand, a child of my inclinations will always desire the unreachable..."If only I was older!" "If only I were richer!". Now I'm both older and richer and just want to have nap time again.
I also miss the safe feeling of complete trust in the fact that I would meet my prince charming and live happily ever after...as soon as I turned 18...I thought it would be like snapping your fingers...or maybe the mere length of time the existed between me and 18 was enough to make me think that that would happen. Boy was I in for it.
I'm certain the Lord does indeed have a happy marriage in store for me. And I'm almost sure it'll happen before I turn 30...but not being in control or seeing the outcome of anything is driving my crazy! I also have to come to terms with the fact that I'm in a rather unstable part of my life, and I struggle enough with being there for myself, let alone another human being with feelings of their own. I want what God wants in my life...but being happy with the not so grand outcome is a little harder to choke down. And anybody who knows me (even a little) knows that I have the patience of a hungry toddler, and therefore...am inwardly throwing a rather embarrassing temper tantrum.
Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here.
The words to that song have become a lifeline. A silent prayer and muster of strength when I feel down. Who is greater than God? Who parted the Red sea! Who closed the mouths of the hungry lions! he cares when the sparrow falls, how much more must he care for me? Made in his image, crying out for a revelation of his word!
Dear readers, I'm sorry for the constant sharing of emotions. But I feel that expressing a feeling sometimes helps to bring it to light in order for it to be viewed and handled properly.
I want to be a motivational, encouraging voice. Not another tired complainer who gains joy by bringing others down.
I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving and if I'm not back before then, a Merry Christmas.
Here's something that a dear friend and fellow blogger (check her out) sent me a couple years back and after reading it just now, I felt the need to add this to the post.
Praying for your future husband :
Pray that he lives in accordance with God's plan for his life
Pray that he would be steadfast in the knowledge of his identity in Christ
Pray that he will be learning to lead your future family
Pray that he is a hard worker
Pray that the LORD will bless his job
Pray that he be a witness for Christ wherever he goes
Pray that he is blessed with godly friends
Pray that he is surrounded by people who bring him up, not tear him down
Pray that he learns to love as God desires him to
Pray that he would lean on Christ in his trials
Pray that he will hope in the LORD
Pray that he would learn to trust, and trust the right individuals
Pray that he will be content
Pray that he would have a giving heart
Pray that he would sacrifice himself for God and others
Pray that he will always seek God first
Pray that he will submit to God and any authorities that are over him
Pray that he would trust in God's plan, not his own
Pray that he would give everything to the LORD in prayer
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